Just second best
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Worked hard today on MB and hallway. Don't give a s if he approves or not. It was overdue. Don't know if he's still irate or not. He sent an e-mail, in reply to a forward re the diac tomorrow night, which at least was civil. First e-mail from him since last Friday; nothing yesterday, surprise surprise. Maybe he did go to his happy place today after all and mellowed a bit. Making myself sick over all this, literally feeling weak and kind of tight in the chest. Sooo careful about food intake too and made sure I exercised. Felt so incapable of doing anything this morning -- just more depressed even than usual. Finally decided I was doing the MB today and decided on the hallway when I saw I'd have time and energy. Guess I need to hit IB next which is the usual disaster with no help from the inhabitant. Or that would be me, wouldn't it?
He is ferociously angry with me, going on the second day now. Not sure what I did this time. Might be the old one roaring back ... which seems to happen during holidays and/or times of bad weather, one which we just had and one which is approaching. Might be that I didn't immediately volunteer to go to the diac evening when we discussed it before he went to work yesterday, but really this seems way, way overboard for THAT. Thought he was okay yesterday afternoon, but he was absolutely furious when he got home, to the extent that he was even angry for a long time with the baby because she ignored him when he got home. I believe he went racing up to the room to get changed when he got home, so how much opportunity she got to notice him I really don't know. Barely touched my hand during the sign of peace last night; surprised he even did that much. Pulled away from me this morning when I went in to wake him and tried the usual affectionate ways of doing that because I certainly would be damned if I didn't. Maybe he'll tell me what's wrong this time, maybe he won't. He didn't take communion last night; related to this or not I don't know. I am numb, except for an intense tension headache. I get so little attention anyway, what's to feel?
Well, at least today he's going to his happy place, apparently: Monica's. Took the books with him that I had pulled out for Katy. Shame he didn't get to marry her in the first place. He probably would be very happy and have more kids. Too bad he married a train wreck like me. Obviously I'm just such a bloody wonderful person with whom to be associated. All that anxiety of his before and during the civil ceremony, maybe he should have obeyed it. I wouldn't mind being dead except that I think the baby would miss me intensely. I don't really know anymore that he would. The other one is so wrapped up in his impending adult life that I don't think he's miss me that much, either. My mom would be devastated. My mom and my daughter. There ya go. I believe the diac would allow him to marry again as an exception because he'd have a small child to raise.
Monday, December 08, 2003
A new day ... just another of walking on eggshells. Don't spend much time with him, and the time spent together is subpar. BUT God help me if I don't ... Never mind. It occurred to me, during a short drive after ferrying older kid to potential employers, that I was actually feeling calm, for once. It was so strange that I actually noticed it. Got money problems on my mind, too, which is another reason I'm never really happy.
Still tired, still depressed, but not currently bored because I found out last night that the dinner will stop here again this year, which means a lot of work for me and wondering how the f to pay for it while covering the bills. Gotta clean and get ready and wonder how to pull this off in this relatively tiny house. For once could they make a mandatory sign up and stick to it? As in, if you can't be bothered to sign up for this ahead of time, then you can't sit your hiney down to eat with those who do???! Does that make too much sense????!!!
This is not the life I thought I would have. Wonder how much better -- if at all -- it will get when I lose this weight. I really think that certain things will never change, and that's just the way it is. Maybe other things or people will come into my life to compensate. I see the hand of God in my life, reaching out help to me. I need only grab onto it like the lifeline that I need. What an idiot I am for so often ignoring That Hand.
Wonder if I'll ever post anything positive in this thing.
